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This is the first thing I’ve ever written for other people to read. So go easy!
EDIT — I didn’t make it clear initially that this was the first chapter in an open-ended series. I plan to keep it going for as long as the characters have a story to tell and I have interested readers.
I have a few more things in progress but haven’t found an editor yet. Therefore all mistakes are my own. If you can help, please get in touch.
This story is firmly UK based and plays a lot on our vernacular, sorry if that offends.
Enjoy (I hope).
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“I’m doing another play,” my little sister Lauren squealed down the phone to me.
“Brilliant, do you get to speak this time?”
“Yes you dick, I bloody well do. You know that was just bad luck the last time. That director was an arsehole”
“Sorry kiddo, that was a cheap shot. What’s the play?”
“Some new avantgarde thing. Translated from Swedish I think. I play a jilted lover who gets revenge by sleeping with her ex’s father and then becoming the evil stepmother. It sounds really fun.”
“It does, kinky too! Will this be at college or with the theatre company?”
“Don’t tell daddy but it’s the theatre company, I might have to skip a few classes for rehearsal.”
“Fine, but don’t go mad. This is one play, your degree is for life baby.”
“I know! Honestly, it’s like having two dads with you sometimes.”
“Come on, you know it’s just coz we love you. You’re the baby, it’s our job to look after you.”
“Sicken my piss more like,” she huffed. She does that, I’ve heard she can sometimes hold a grudge for nearly a minute!
“Will you come and see it? We should be opening in the summer, maybe tour it if we’re lucky.”
“Of course baby, I should be finishing off my PhD in May and then it’s party time. I don’t plan to lift a finger till August. I was hoping I could come and stay with you for a while before then.”
“Really? I would love that. My flatmate Miranda saw your photograph on my phone and I pretended you were my boyfriend. I’d love to show you off, she’d be so jealous. Say you will, please Dani, please, for me?”
“Oh, Lauren you didn’t. Why would you say that? Jesus.”
“Well she has this boy called Simon and he’s a famous rugby player, all chiselled and stuff and I just wanted to have a better boyfriend for once and you would be perfect. Come on, you’ll be able to swan about London with the famous actress Lauren Garvey on your arm.”
“You’ve changed your name? Why?”
“It’s an acting thing. You have to be in the union Equity and every member has to have a different name. There’s already a Lauren Banks and it’s first come first served.”
“Actually Lauren Garvey sounds pretty cool, I like it. Did you really change or is it just a stage name?”
“I haven’t changed it yet. I think it makes things easier but I don’t want to hurt daddy’s feelings.”
“Well you’d be changing it if you got married, I don’t think he’d be that upset. Tell you what, I’ll ask him next week when I’m home, scope out the terrain a bit. What do you think?”
“Would you really? I was going to ask you but now you’ve volunteered, thank you so much.”
Bloody hell she really knows how to push my buttons, talk about wrapped around her little finger!
“No problem sweetie, happy to help. You ok otherwise? Need any money or anything?”
“No I’m good thanks, but I’ll allow you to bring me a present when you come to visit… boyfriend!”
“You little minx, this has trouble written all over it. Ok, I’ll speak to you next week.”
“Relax it will be fun. Love you, bro. Night night.”
“Love you too Miss Garvey.”
She was laughing when she hung up, so was I.
+++++
This was it, the final step in getting my PhD. The research was done, dissertation submitted, now I just had to stand in front of three emeritus professors and lie my ass off!
Ha, you weren’t expecting that, were you?
It’s weird, keeping secrets. I’ve had two big ones in my life, one personal, one professional. The professional one, the PhD one, could be worth millions. The personal one is worth absolutely everything.
Towards the end of my research into improved packaging of lithium-ion batteries, I had a weird thought. My research was showing promise, we might be able to increase cell density by 5% or so, a decent amount, but at the moment it looked like it would increase the cost by 15%. Still, my research was on cell density, it was up to the materials guys to make it cost-effective.
My weird thought though was, why were the batteries packaged at all. Was it really necessary that 60% of the weight and volume of the cells was the packaging? Why did we build them like that at all? What if we structured them like… this? I looked down at what I’d drawn and thought it couldn’t be that simple, could it? Why hadn’t Elon Musk thought of this?
Maybe he had, it must have an Achilles Heel. I had to think about this but gaziantep zenci escort bayan I was due to have a sign-off discussion with my professor in two weeks. I thought fuck it, I’ll give myself the weekend and then this has to go on the back burner. By Sunday afternoon I was pretty sure I was right. This would revolutionise the battery industry, revolutionise the world. I had to patent it, but I had no time.
Anyone with half a brain should be able to deduce this from my research, I mean I had! Now all my work was going to be pored over by three of the top electrical engineers in the country, surely they would see it. If they did I was screwed, but if I could obfuscate things just enough to hide it, I could patent it myself and be set for life.
So here I was pacing outside the conference room, ready to pull off the greatest feat of misdirection since David Copperfield put a big mirror in front of the Statue of Liberty. I needed to almost flunk this viva voce to keep their attention away from Appendix 3. Wish me luck!
+++++
I hit the buzzer for Lauren’s flat and she let me in almost immediately. It was an old tenement style building in Camden Town, with its massively wasteful stairwell cum echo chamber up the centre. Each flat could have had an extra room if they’d had normal stairs but it was fun to play with the echoes!
“Dani, Dani, Dani, Dani.”
“Lala, Lala, Lala, Lala.”
Childish, but hey, I was young(ish), free of commitments (for a while) and very, very single so why not?
Racing up the stairs I met Lauren on the fourth-floor landing. She leapt into my arms, her legs around my hips, squealing my name. I suppose I better describe her then, that’s why you’re here I presume.
She looks a lot like that actress Lauren Garvey. What? She does! Ok. Ok.
My little sister Lauren, at 20 years of age might not be the most beautiful woman in the world but she is definitely in the top three. She is 5’11” in flats, well over six feet in heels, a slim 136lbs with 34C boobs (yes I’ve checked) and a 22-inch waist. I’ve just grabbed her bum and can confirm that it is just about perfect.
No more measurements, it’s not a competition. Coppery skin (our mother is Italian), thick, lustrous dark hair halfway down her back with a hint of curl, sparkling hazel eyes and the whitest, straightest teeth seen anywhere outside of Hollywood. If you want more details it’s all on her agency website, just go look.
“You made it, you made it. Just in time. Simon is here, it’s time to take him down a peg or two. You do remember you’re my boyfriend, don’t you? Old friend of the family, same school, lived just down the road.” This last was sotto voce, just for me.
“Yes, yes I got my briefing packet from M this morning Miss Funnyfanny, I’m right up to speed.”
“Ok, wait, just in case she’s looking…”
Lauren let go and stood looking up at me and whilst running her fingers over my bearded cheeks she gave me the lightest, sweetest kiss I’ve ever had. Just her lips, gossamer soft on mine, then TONGUE, TEETH, SALIVA, LIPS, MORE TONGUE, LIPS and we’re back in the room.
“Mmm, definitely worth waiting for baby, come on in.”
She took my hand and turned, leading me to her front door.
“Aw shit, she wasn’t even peeking. Oh well, good practice anyway.”
My brain was still going through its reboot process. Her kiss had Ctrl-Alt-Deleted me and then some, wow!
It was quite a nice flat, high ceilings, original mouldings, rattly doors, wooden floors, threadbare rugs and lumpy old furniture. Student heaven basically.
I dropped my case in the hall and she dragged me into the kitchen.
“Miranda, this is Daniel, Dani to his friends. See, I told you he wasn’t photoshopped. Dani, baby, this is Miri.”
I think if I Googled the word cheerleader I would not be one bit surprised to see Miranda’s picture as the number one hit. Blonde, so, so blonde, curls, big boobs, athletic frame and pretty, girlish features. She was lovely.
I was going for my signature kissing the back of her hand move when she said,
“Fuck that mate, gimme a kiss.”
An Aussie then, and quite a forward one too if the strawberry flavoured tongue in my mouth was anything to go by.
“Hi Miranda, you’re hot!” I winked, yes winked with an ‘I’ you pervs.
She laughed, like a proper belly laugh. I was going to like this girl.
“And you’re tall, ya fuckin’ freak!”
That’s right, all you know is that I’ve got a beard but I’m a blank canvas otherwise. Right, you know the wrestler, The Undertaker? No? Google him. Scary looking dude, 6’9″ or so. Halve his age, no tattoos, shaved head, glasses and trendy, greying beard. That’s me, Daniel Banks, billionaire.
Didn’t I tell you? Oh, well I totally aced the viva voce thing, those old farts hadn’t a clue. My patent was registered a week ago, my lawyers are in discussions with Tesla and Panasonic as we speak. They’re hoping for mid ten figures upfront and then high nines gaziantep escort bayan in annual licence fees and royalties going forward. That’s the way they talk, honestly. Greedy? My arse, your phone battery next year is going to last a week on a full charge, even with all that porn! You should be thanking me.
“I like her Lauren, can we keep her? I promise to feed her every day.”
Miranda giggled and Lauren gave her a hug, aiming her million-dollar smile right between my eyes.
“This is Simon-” Miranda began.
“-Hargreaves, I know. Hi. Saw you playing against Scotland last week, how’s the ankle?” I cut in.
Simon was England’s number one tight head prop, although he had come off early with an injury in last week’s game. He was a solid fucker, just under six feet and 22 stone of rippling muscle. He looks like Thor’s shorter, wider, younger brother.
“It’s fine, just precautionary, we’re saving everything for the Irish next week. Good to meet you, Dani, you ever play?”
“Not since school, had a bit of a growth spurt since then. Boxing was my thing. Good luck over in Dublin, but we’re going to thump you!”
“What? You’re a turncoat, a quisling?”
“Dad’s family is from there, I bleed green!”
“Cup of tea anyone?” Miranda asked.
“Yes please, thick as tar and plenty of milk thanks,” I said.
“You wanna see my room lover?” Lauren asked me through lowered eyelashes.
“Sure honey, hope it’s got a good strong bed!”
She laughed and dragged me out of the kitchen.
“Oh, the toilet’s along there. The lounge is between the bedrooms, hopefully that’ll keep the noise down!” Lauren spoke loudly so Miranda would hear.
Her bedroom wasn’t as girly as I thought it would be. There were some clothes over the back of her desk chair but the floor was clear. Three big wardrobes and a chest of drawers sat along one wall. They were closed but I just knew they were filled to bursting with whatever the latest fashions were.
“Is that your Barbie bed from home? It’s about a foot wide. You told me I wouldn’t be on the floor Lauren.”
“It’s not, it’s a real bed, I’ve just never had to squeeze the BFG into it before. Keep your voice down, real boyfriend, rampant sex beast, remember?”
“Hmm, sounds like you’ve been underselling me, little sis. Come here!”
I grabbed her and went straight for the ribs. Poor Lauren is incredibly ticklish. It actually cost her a TV role once when she couldn’t wear a fur coat thing over her bare skin. Whilst I am sympathetic I am also her big brother and therefore am legally and morally obliged to exploit any weakness to the fullest extent.
“I hope you wore your big knickers and put two pads in today Lala because I am going to make you pee your pants baby sis!”
She squealed and squirmed in my arms, wriggling delightfully to escape her tormentor, laughing hysterically amid her erratic breathing.
“I knew… you were coming… so I didn’t… wear… any panties… at all today,” she hissed.
I stopped and let her go – I knew peeing herself was a real possibility but, no panties?
“Lauren! Don’t you think you’re taking this a bit too seriously?”
She looked up at me, hands on knees “I’m a method actress darling. Role of a lifetime, a secret incestuous love affair for the ages. I’m always acting, always pretending.”
She straightened and moved towards me, placing her lips by my ear and whispering softly “sometimes I just want something that’s real, something that’s mine.”
I gaped at her, the room suddenly silent, panties forgotten. “You’re serious?”
“Maybe, haven’t you ever thought about it?”
Remember I said I had a secret? Yep, got it in one. GULP.
Could I be honest here, could I finally let her know how I feel? Would I ever get another chance? Fuck it, I’m on a roll, let’s do it. Strap in folks, this could get messy.
“You know that three-hour oral exam I had a couple of weeks ago?”
“Yeah, you sounded really stressed about that.”
“Well, those horrible three hours were the only time I haven’t thought about it since you left home. Now where the fuck’s my tea?”
With that, I marched out – exit stage left baby. I think Lauren’s script was missing a page. Ctrl-Alt-Delete darling.
+++++
“That’s a decent cuppa Miri, your lot branching out from bartending?”
“Na, I just rinsed out me dunders and strained them into your cup. Whaddya think?”
“They’d have done another day love!”
That laugh, it was… magnificent.
“Why do you always get the funny ones, Lauren? You better watch he’s pretty much laughed me knickers off already!”
My sister had slipped back into the kitchen, standing by the door.
“Ha, since when do you wear knickers you kinky bitch?” she said. This place was really fun. As long as your name wasn’t Simon. He looked a bit glum.
“I’m going to the gym he said, anyone coming?”
“Na, it’s just the way I’m standing babe, see ya later” chuckled Miranda. Lauren and I demurred as he was leaving.
Just as he was heading out the front door I exclaimed loudly “right, what about that threesome?” The slamming door rattled the windows.
+++++
I finished my tea and washed out the mug.
“Lauren, I thought we could go out for a drink.”
“What about the threesome?” Miranda cackled from the sink.
“Oh you’re invited too cobber, just text Simon and tell him to meet us.”
“Brilliant!” “Yes please,” the two girls said together. “Just give us five minutes.”
Half an hour later we hit the street, heading to a pub the girls liked, The World’s End. It was a windy day but not cold. Unless you looked like a supermodel with a four-inch miniskirt and chiffon blouse.
“I’m freezing Dani, help”
“Half an hour to get ready and forgot a jacket, rookie mistake dear.”
“It’s this top, I’ve nothing to go with it.”
“It is amazing and I hate to cover it up but here, put this on.” I swung my jacket over her shoulders, it could literally have gone around her twice.
“Thanks, honey. Ooh, it smells like you… nice,” she winked and took my hand. Not to be outdone, Miranda grabbed the other one and swung my arm like a little kid.
“Are we nearly there yet daddy?” she asked.
“Double dunno,” I said.
“Que?”
“I dunno where I am and I dunno where I am going but I do know that I like being right here.” I squeezed both their hands.
The pub wasn’t too busy for an early Friday afternoon and we managed to bag a table near the wood burner in the corner. I’d actually got quite chilly without my coat.
“My round, what can I get you, ladies?”
“Pint of lager for me,” said Miri, settling into the table.
“Just the usual for me big boy” Lauren shouted on her way to the bathroom. “What the fuck was her usual then? Bollocks.”
I was saved by a text from my lawyer on the way to the bar.
Panasonic $6.7 now, $1.2 annually. We got em buddy. Paperwork will be on its way tonight. Congrats, Mike
I thanked him and sent him Lauren’s address, so he could send the documents there. Yes, it was done. Let the good times roll. Hehe, Elon was going to be pissed!
“What can I get you sir?” the landlord asked. I saw his name was Alan from his badge.
“What’s the best champagne you have Alan?”
“I think there’s a case of Cristal out the back. It’s £500 a bottle though.”
I handed him my credit card. “If you put £10,000 on that, can we spray it round a bit like Lewis Hamilton?”
“Mate, if you give me ten grand you can come on my wife’s tits!”
“Let’s do it, can you take care of your wife for me though?”
“For ten grand I’ll not even use the blindfold! Head back, I’ll be over in a sec.”
I entered the PIN for my card and headed back to the table.
“Where’s our drinks you plum?” asked Miri, ever so politely.
“Alan the barman will bring them in a minute, he just has to blow a load on to his wife’s tits first. Shouldn’t take long.”
“Jesus you’re weird. I like it,” she said.
Lauren arrived just as Alan headed our way with a bottle and three glasses.
“Alan my man. How is your wife this fine afternoon?”
“She spilt some shit on her blouse, just tidying up now” he laughed.
“Well make sure to keep a couple of bottles for yourselves and share half a dozen round the bar.”
“Very good sir, here’s the first of many. I wish you good health to enjoy them.” He left the bottle and glasses and made his way back to the bar.
“Cristal? Who did you have to blow to get that?” Miri asked.
“Oh, my lawyers did all that. Just got a text confirming a little business deal.” I showed it to them.
“Those numbers aren’t going to keep you in Cristal for long,” Lauren said quizzically.
“It was a text, he didn’t bother adding the nine zeros to each number, ” I said, po-faced as fuck.
I fired the cork into the air and started to fill our glasses. A cheer rang out from across the pub and then another. I looked up, Alan was distributing the champagne to the bemused regulars. It might not have been their usual tipple but they knew exactly what to do with a gift horse like this.
I raised my glass to the bar and said “Let’s hear it for the World’s End” and a rousing cheer rang out.
I turned back to the table, Miri and Lauren looking at me as if I’d gone mad. “Crack on girls, we’ve got four more bottles to get through. Here’s to life, fun and passion, may it never end. Chin chin.”
+++++
I was pretty merry by the time Simon arrived. He was tee-total and looked around perplexed at a bunch of North Londoners slurping up Cristal on a Friday afternoon.
“Did someone win the Lotto?” he asked.
“Naw mate, it’s always like this in here! Come on, sit down. One glass won’t kill you,” I joked, but he did have a glass and looked like he enjoyed it too.
“Right, where’s good for a bit of grub? A proper dinner mind, I’m starving.”
“Me too” squealed Simon, had he ever drunk before?
“Come on, we know just the place,” said Lauren jumping up and grabbing my jacket.
I stood in the middle of the pub, speaking to the whole room, “ladies and gentlemen of the World’s End… and Alan, may I wish you health, wealth and happiness for the rest of your days, for now, we must bid you farewell.”
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